Write thinly-veiled, self-aggrandising autobiographical fiction


Joe Stockley paced the floor of his office and cursed under his breath. Dammit, he thought, why am I such a brilliant writer that no-one ever understands the depth and complexity of my work? It’s almost as if I’m the only real person in the world and all the other people are just automatons! No, that can’t be (he thought). Can it...?
Just then, he was interrupted by the ringing of his top of the range iPhone 3GS (32GB).
‘Hello?’ he said, his voice booming with a timbre which was capable of simultaneously charming his many admirers and intimidating any who dared oppose him.
‘Hello Joe,’ a mellifluous voice came floating back. ‘It’s your loving wife here.’
‘Hello, my beautiful-beyond-compare, talented and intelligent wife,’ said Joe, his laughter reverberating around the expensive fixtures and fittings of his luxurious house.

22 comments:

  1. Those were really funny! Thanks. I'm not a writer but is it easier to write badly well or just write well? GL, Joe Stockley, if you need it. :)

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  2. I'd say it's easier to write badly well than it is to just write well, hence this blog being my displacement activity. Of course, the easiest thing is to write badly badly, but that's not as much fun.

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  3. Nice. Ouch. Shades of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Played With Fire, here (both of which I liked, btw).

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  4. It sounds as if that Joe Stockley has a glamorous life full of well-tailored suits and overly attentive waitresses. I'd like to read at least a trilogy of Stockley Stories. Maybe he can jet around the world solving crimes with his uncanny skill at unlocking narratives? He could be a Narrativist at prestigious Yalevard University.

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  5. This blog is wonderful, please keep it up! I see some of my own mistakes in some of these entries, haha. Can't wait for more updates.

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  6. This blog makes my life. Please keep updating. :)

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  7. So true about the Steig Larsson comments Jonathan Gala. Now I understand why I both loved and hated the Millenium Trilogy at the same time!

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  8. Agh, I love this blog! I was saddened by the short length of my browser scroll bar and no 'previous posts' link.

    Keep it up!

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  9. Agent Joe Stockley paced the floor of his office and cursed under his breath. His 3G iPhone was making strange Nokia like noises. It was the president. He needed some urgent advice about his Nobel prize acceptance speech. Stockley picked up his Moleskin and headed for the White House. It's tough being a bad writer, but the job has its perks.

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  10. Hang on, Jeffrey Archer made a fortune out of writing exactly this sort of crap!

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  11. What a great blog, I laughed so much it hurt! More please!

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  12. Haha, what's self-aggrandising about this? You're not trying to tell us you're not such brilliant writer that no-one ever understands the depth and complexity of your work, are you?

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  13. LOL, I associate these Mary Sue characters ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue ) with fanfiction, but I guess they can be in anything. Hilarious blog; I'm looking forward to seeing more bad writing!

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  14. This is like a novelization of a Charlie Kaufman screenplay.

    In other words: Consider your blog bookmarked -- this is brilliant stuff!

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  15. Which Dan Brown book did you pull this from?

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  16. I think I used to go out with Joe Stockley. He photoshopped pictures of himself with orphan kids in Uganda and put them on his business cards.

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  17. Yeah, that sounds like him. Didn't he also have a personalised numberplate that read B16-80Y and a bumper sticker underneath that said "(BIG BOY)" in case anyone didn't get it?

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  18. No, he didn't have a car... Yeah right! NOT HAVE A CAR! FUCK OFF!

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  19. cough Laurell K. Hamilton cough

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    ReplyDelete