Make your similes very accurate

(With thanks to Marc Templin)

He sat across the table from me, grinning like an interlocutor. His smile was like a row of teeth between his fleshy lips. His fingers, steepled into a upwards triangle of fingers that resembled nothing so much as some steepled fingers, jutted into the air between us like some jutting fingers.
‘So,’ he said, his voice as low and calm as a low, calm voice, ‘do we have a deal?’
‘Um...’ I said, hesitating like a hesitant person. ‘I can’t really...’ The truth was, I was terrified. My stomach was turning over like the stomach of someone who is very nervous about a deal they are making which they aren’t sure they should be making and that uncertainty is causing them to feel a bit sick.

17 comments:

  1. I read this like a person reading a story starting from the beginning, middle and end.

    :-)

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  2. Make your similes as exact as tautologies.

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  3. This is bad enough to make me as tired as a torpid blog reader.

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  4. This made me laugh like a laughing person, who just read a funny blog entry.

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  5. Wow, you're so good at writing badly well! Like a person who is extremely talented at writing things as badly as very badly written things!

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  6. Sounds like somebody needs to go to Simile School!

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  7. Graham Greene said once that a good simile should work in reverse (that is, X is like Y and Y is like X should sound equally good), and by that standard, these are perfect!
    There is a collection of similes sent in to the Washington Post by readers (often erroneously cited as actual high school essay similes), some of which I treasure to the point of knowing them by heart: "Her eyes were like big brown circles with a smaller black circle in their centers", for example, and "The whole scene had an eerie quality about it, like when you're in a different city and Jeopardy comes on at 7.30 instead of 7".

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  8. This was horribly written, just like something that is horribly written. :)

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  9. If 1,000 people comment on this post, 1,000 people will have commented on it

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  10. I like this post, like I like other things that I like.

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  11. Sounds like you need to go to Simile School. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT6_PXXjU94

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  12. I laughed so hard. Completely made my morning.

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  13. Reading this story like someone who is reading a blog entry made me laugh like a person who is laughing at something that is funny.

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  14. @Anon: Only a very good actor can pretend to be a bad actor.

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  15. All the commenters who think they're clever by making more bad similes are just like those people in the comments who make bad similes to try to be clever. Ugh.

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  16. "Those who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."

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